I am blessed to have many old friendships—some going back to my toddler days. Every once in a while some researchers or journalists report the findings of a study on how to keep friends that someone (probably we taxpayers) paid them to conduct. It seems like there has been a proliferation of studies since the pandemic of 2020 when the effects of isolation and loneliness were obvious to us all.
I read such a study today on The Atlantic, written by Wenjia Tang who interviewed friends over a period of three years. She summed up what those of us with lifelong friends could have told her from the outset. Friendship takes time and effort. She expanded on my shorthand saying that there were six factors: accumulation, attention, intention, ritual, imagination and grace.
Accumulation is the time factor. We may be infatuated with someone when we first meet—attracted to the interests we share or drawn to her sense of humor, for example. But, it takes repeated connections to form a bond. Initial impressions aren’t always accurate. Compatibility often grows over time.
Attention is something I write about a lot. It’s rare to find someone who really listens, who puts her life on hold when I need to be seen or heard. Someone who opens up enough to let me see who she really is. It’s keeping track of what is going on in someone’s life and offering support when she needs it.
Intention is taking the initiative to connect. It’s making friends a priority, reaching out, suggesting getting together. My closest friends seek me out and respond to invitations even when life is busy.
Ritual fuels the accumulation of connections. I have several friends that I get together with just once a year, but it’s a routine meeting that we all look forward to and put on our calendars sometimes a year in advance. Other friends and I have regular places that we go together—favorite restaurants, music venues, boat cruises.
Imagination was one factor that I hadn’t thought of but it made sense. Sometimes I have to be creative to connect with long-distance friends. My BFF and I have sustained our sixty-year friendship through letters, email and rare in-person rendezvous.
Grace was also a novel factor for me to consider. The author of the study defined it as “forgiveness that is undeserved or unearned.” To me, grace is the key factor in long-term friendships. We change. Life circumstances change. We may manage closeness under some circumstances and struggle during others. But when you care about someone and value her friendship, you “cut them slack” as we said in our teens. You understand that there will be peaks and valleys in any relationship. You’re patient and waiting for when the time is right again and then you slip right back to a rhythm and take up where you left off.
Many of my friends are loyal readers of this blog. Thank you for your friendship. It sustains me.
Crows Feet Chronicles 